Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Papa Lazarou. I am here tonight to demonstrate my amazing psychic powers! Hokey cokey, pig in a pokey... Good morning Job seekers... I myself don't care for the darkness. It's in the dark that I see the boy's face. Lips black... tongue protruding... What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here. You know what they say: Bummers are deaf. I know it's wrong... It just tastes so good. It's a shit business. You'll see. In this house, we don't masturbate. Eskewed Beef! Have anybody got any bokkle orange joof?! Doubtless, you've been in the bathroom, spraying your belly with sticky white love piss. I can, I can't! Don't worry, Mickey love... It won't hurt. Hello, Dave? Precious things? Twelvety. Good. We haven't sold a thing. You always knew I had this gun. Tell him I can't have babies. Tell him my insides are all wrong. Make something happen Luigi. This is a local shop, for local people. No need to be rude dear! So did they turn you into a man or a woman? I dunno. I can't work it out. What do YOU think? Of course you can! We would love you to join us! Oh, you're my wife now... And please, if you don't understand any of my sayings, come to me in private and I will take you in my German mouth.

Age: 67 suicide. The good doctor is gone...

Any of you who know me know what that phrase implies. Though normally much of the details would be lost by the time I'd get to work and tell anyone. This morning I awakened from a dream and instantly grabbed my laptop. I didn't get it all down. But I did get some of it. get out your dream interpretation books if you're into that sort of thing and follow along. It's time for another hobo voyage.... I was at a renaissance festival with several friends and they ran out of beer. We had two huge unopened bottles of beer. They were so big they were like mini kegs. It was beer so dark and rich, it should have been called beir. A crowd of thirsty festival goers gathered around, and we started haggling. Nobody offered us anything we thought the beir was worth so we drank it ourselves. Then we were at Worlds of Fun, and I thought we were getting on the Orient Express. It was another ride. One i've never heard of before. Somewhere Over the Rainbow was what it was called, I think. It ended up being a pussy ride, both figuratively and literally. It wasn't at all scary. It was very comfortable, and girls just loved the ride. Later I was driving and became distracted by a public service announcement somewhere between the inside lane and the right hand turning lane at an intersection. That's the designated place for them to be played now. Not only that, you can contact you friends on their cell phones and watch together simultaneously. Odd. I started changing channels when it got to David Lee Roth's service announcement. He was driving a sleigh. He was reprising his role from an early porn film, and I just couldn't stand to see him naked, even if it meant Van Halen would get back together. Switching channels landed me in a poker game. All my friends were suddenly there. It was an odd form of hold'em. Two decks were shuffled together and two sets of hole cards were dealt to you. You looked at both sets of hole cards and discarded the two you didn't want, then the rest of the game was played out from the remainder of the double deck. Tony Soprano was first to deal. I folded. It was too complicated. I noticed the poker chips were ashtrays that stacked on top of each other. Convenient. It was my turn to deal and I was having trouble shuffling the double deck. Luckily, I never had to deal. Someone from our group was making an ass out of himself. He had run outside of that magical place between the inside lane and the right hand turn lane and was disturbing traffic. The cops came. Hot female bodybuilder cops in bikinis. They were wearing roller blades and swinging billy clubs. One of them caught me looking. Then their backup arrived. They were more like bouncers. No fun. They herded everyone to the trolley to be sent home, but I was slow to board the trolley and it left without me. I was wondering how I was to get home when a police dog came around the corner. It ran me down and grabbed me by the balls. I didn't quite bite down as hard as it could, just hard enough that I didn't want to move. Every time I tried to move it would bite a bit harder. The handler came around the corner and said, "Don't worry, it won't bite you." I screamed that it was already biting me. He looked a bit disgusted and annoyed when he said," I was talking to the dog." Sigh. I should have seen that coming. They got the dog off me and helped me to my feet. A guy from the brewery offered me a ride home in the back of his sleigh. As he hitched up the clydesdales, I climbed into the back of the sleigh. Despite the snowy weather it was really warm. He offered me a beer from huge bottles the size of mini kegs. Beer that was so dark it should be called beir. A bunch of other people from the brewery climbed in and we were on our way. One of them said they were sorry that I had lost my friends. I looked down at my beir, and though I felt a little guilty saying it, I said it anyway. "That's OK. It's about time I started making new friends."

I'm serious. I mean it. I really do. Everyone here is able to recognize sarcasm the moment they see it. All of our brains must be the size of watermelons. Zombies would feast on us for days. Yet, despite our our abilities to recognize sarcasm, I find that often we go the extra mile which is what actually puts us in the realm of great wit and acumen. Thats right. Despite our immediate assimilation of what someone is saying, we tear it apart to find the hidden meaning of what the other person really meant; that little nugget of truth. We do it because we're masters of cognition. There is no greater joy than to find a hidden meaning. Unless of course it's feeling superior.

Time for reflection. It's something everyone goes through I suppose. Looking back on the previous year. Taking stock of all that has passed. 2004 was a leap year. 366 days. If you were regular (and I hope you were) you took at least 366 poops this last year. Did you make the most of them? Perhaps you used the time for personal meditation. Perhaps you did some light reading. Maybe you decided to multitask, and brushed your teeth, or clipped your nails. Most likely you didn't sing. Singing is fine for the shower, but somehow is lacking when done on that porcelan throne. No poop is ever the same really. They're unique in nature. That's a result of our diverse diets I think. Some times you have to push, Some times you can hardly contain yourself as you run to make your deposit. Yet, as unique as they are, they all have one thing in commom: They are all your poops. Happy New year everyone.