Laodicean: I promise that I'm not on drugs

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Oh, what a day it's been. It's reminded me of the way I felt last spring in the aftermath of a(nother) failed relationship. Numb, disconnected, not really living. A vast difference from what I've been feeling in the past six months. Today it was like I wasn't even a part of the world. I was surprised that people could see me. You ever have those days? I was walking to class and felt like I was floating. My body was moving without me doing the work, and I was noticing how colorful and vivid everything was. It's like everything visual is in greater focus and everything tactile is dulled. And I was watching everyone walk across campus and I suddenly saw order in all of it. All these people walking, moving forward as if they were helpless to stop it. As if it were TV before TiVo. I've had my issues with my Catholic upbringing and my rebellion against it and have been to the point where I could say I no longer believed in God, although I don't think I could ever say it out loud. It just sounds...harsh. But today I was just struck with the thought that there has to be some higher power. A reason why things move the way that they do. Something keeping relative order. I was observing all of this from such a mental distance that a girl I knew from classes had to scream at me several times to get my attention. Sometimes, I forget that I'm real.

I've decided recently to cut off an on-again, off-again relationship that I've had for most of the past four years. It seems fitting that I'm about to graduate college and cast off my security blanket. He wasn't my first boyfriend, but he was the first one that I loved. Maybe all this disconnection from the world stems from my severing the tie of first love. I have to admit, I rather like being numb.

By the way, I'm not on drugs. My employer has started random drug testing, thus none for me!



Mood: disconnected, and happy about it
Music: Offspring

toodldo_4julie - ()

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